Keeping the Asian Glow Away

Last week the lovely Miss Sparkler shared her dreamy engagement photos with us, and not only was I left seriously lusting after a red Vespa, but I was also yearning for the ability to down a bottle of wine and still look that fabulous. You see, both Mr. Tartlet and I suffer from a genetic abnormality where we can't metabolize alcohol very well. This condition is colloquially known as the "Asian Blush," even though it's not exclusive to people of Asian descent. The tell-tale sign is turning red after imbibing even small quantities of alcohol. It's like a litmus test: Hey-o, Miss Tartlet looks like she's blushing. She must have had a sip of something! Whooeeee, now she's lookin' like a tomato! Better watch out, she's had at *least* half a beer!

Exhibit A: half a beer (or so) later; Mr. Tartlet has yet to show

Exhibit B: Mr. Tartlet having nursed a Mojito over the course of a meal; me having imbibed half a girly cocktail

 Exhibit C: Possibly a full cocktail later, plus a side of shiny forehead

My face turning red is only the beginning. Once that starts, my symptoms exponentially get worse: first there's the congestion, followed by an increased heart rate that could outpace a gerbil. Consequently, I start to overheat (=shiny forehead), and about half the time I end up feeling nauseous and dizzy to boot. Suffice to say, it's not only embarrassing, but it's pretty friggin' uncomfortable. There's nothing like being out at a party, having a grand old time, and all of a sudden that studly man you've been eying all night sidles up to you and whispers in your ear: "Damn, woman...you're red." Chyeah.

In my last post I shared my enthusiasm for my bachelorette party coming up on Friday. A small part of me is really worried about how my body will react if I have anything to drink. Don't even get me started on the wedding proper--I'm downright terrified to partake. My reactions are so unpredictable that even one innocent sip for that champagne toast could trigger my descent into a ghastly, bloodshot bride. Point and case: last night I swung by Whole Foods to grab a bite to eat because our fridge is barren, and decided to try a bottle of Kombucha Gingerade. I've never had this drink before, but I love ginger and figured I would give it a whirl. I came home and scarfed down my Salmon Caesar Salad, chasing each bite with some Kombucha. 16 oz later, I started to feel peculiar. Almost as if...I was buzzed. What the fudge?

Apparently Kombucha is "revered for its ability to promote good health and has helped millions of people with its excellent detoxifying, metabolic balancing and immune-enhancing qualities." Who knew. I was also ignorant to the fact that it's a fermented tea, which means sugar in the tea gets converted into--yep, that's right--alcohol. Supposedly it contains less than 0.5% alcohol, which qualifies it as a non-alcoholic beverage. My skin begs to differ:

This blotchy red effect will not look good with my strapless wedding dress!

Anyone else a member of the "Asian Glow" club or know someone who experiences this phenomenon? Any tips or tricks to alleviate the symptoms so you can have your Cosmo--and drink it, too?